| It’s been a couple of months since my last update. I had decided that for the first year after Carrie’s death I’ d write a monthly update and then perhaps do some periodic ones after that first anniversary. Thanks to a number of friends who have gently pushed me to continue to share the journey and thanks for your continuing prayers! Nathan, Amy and Alivia Moving to Florida I ended my last update with what has proved to be a prophetic paragraph. “At some point not too far down the road Nathan and Amy and Alivia will probably be moving to West Palm Beach and I’ll be alone in this lovely large house that once was filled with love, joy, laughter, dreams and lots of people. Our three-car garage will only have one car and I’ll have sole responsibility for the cats. Now that’s depressing. Will I have times of loneliness, sadness, discouragement, aching, longing and even some depression— probably. Will my faith in my Lord Jesus Christ be the same when I’m alone in an empty house—I think so. Will I still be able to experience love and joy and laughter and maybe even start dreaming again—I know so! Perhaps not 24/7. But I know that it will somehow work together for good. I’ve staked my life on it.” Well, shortly after I wrote that Nathan let me know that they would be moving to West Palm Beach in late October. That was their original plan before Matt died and after Matt’s death they decided to postpone their plans to spend more time with Carrie and Andrew. Nathan is eight years older than Andrew and he really wanted to know his “little” brother better and since that would be Andrew’s senior year in high school it seemed like a great opportunity to do that. I applaud Nathan and Amy for setting aside their plans for a year to invest in their family. Amy’s family lives in West Palm Beach and it has been her desire for a long time to move back home and God has opened some great doors there for them. I’ll fill you in on what they are doing in a future update. So, on October 22nd the kids and I will pull away from 1450 Avery Place here in Siloam Springs and I’ll say goodbye to another chapter of my life and begin a new one. I’ll now have one son on each of the coasts. This November I will celebrate my first Thanksgiving in 28 years without my wife or any of my boys around. That will really be a different experience for me. But I will celebrate with my dear sister Marsha. I will celebrate 28 years of precious and deeply meaningful memories and I will give thanks and praise to a good, mighty, merciful and generous God who has given me much more than I ever deserved and who isn’ t quite finished with me yet. This has been an amazing year with me, Andrew, Nathan, Amy and (in May) Alivia living together in our home. It’s often the case that after a loss (and in our case two losses) the emotional upheaval and grief process can produce a significant relational disequilibrium that can have a negative effect on close relationships but that hasn’t happened to us. In this year we didn’t just tolerate each other but learned to understand and love each other more, care for, serve, and encourage each other. In this year of living together there hasn’t been a single negative incident. Given what we have all been through and the emotional roller-coaster we’ve been on and that all of us are strong people it is a testimony to God’s grace and goodness to us and the relational legacy that Carrie left for us. Andrew to Biola On August 16th, Nathan and Andrew took off in Andrew’s car for a brothers road trip to California. They took an extra day to visit the Grand Canyon together and had a great time of memory-making and bonding. A few days later Amy, Alivia and I flew out to meet them. We arrived several days before Andrew’s freshman orientation at Biola so that we could have some time together before school started. We have a lot of family memories in Southern California (where I grew up and where we took the boys to visit my folks when they were young) and Nathan wanted to show Andrew what he had learned about getting around Southern California when we spent his four years at Biola. We visited Long Beach, ate at the El Dorado Park restaurant where we had eaten many meals with Mom and Dad and Marsha, went to Knott’s Berry Farm, we guys spent an afternoon body surfing at Huntington Beach then had a burger and malt at Ruby’s on the pier and we all just really enjoyed being together. When we took Nathan to Biola, Carrie and Matty were with us and as we visited some familiar places we remembered and were grateful. A thoughtful friend let all of us stay at his house while he and his wife were out of town and it couldn’t have been a better way to introduce Andrew the this wonderful new chapter of his life and create some priceless family memories. Of course it was hard to say goodbye to my precious Andrew but knowing where he was, the quality school that Biola is and the kind of support he has out there made it a bit easier for me. Andrew’s four years of high school have been some of the most painful, discouraging and difficult any young man could experience: seeing his dad go through a fourth cancer surgery, chemotherapy and radiation and not knowing for a time if he would make it, seeing his mom valiantly battle one of the deadliest forms of cancer and fight beyond the 3-6 month prognosis for over two years, having one of his brothers die a tragic death and then two months later watching his mom go to be with the Lord to join his brother and then, for his senior year of high school, dealing with a myriad of emotions in the process of healing from two massive losses, anticipating moving away from home to start his college life as well as working though a redefinition of what it means to be a family. That’s a lot of pain, trauma, grief and loss for one teenager to experience but Andrew has come through it in ways that make me (and Carrie since I figure she knows what’s going on) proud. So when we flew back to Arkansas on August 26th it was with mixed emotions but mostly joy and gratitude for a gracious God and a very real hope. By the way, Andrew’s birthday is on November 7th and if you’d like to contact Andrew and perhaps send him a note of encouragement, a birthday card or let him know you are praying for him you can contact me using the contact us page and I'll send you his mailing address. Watching Alivia Grow One of my greatest joys in these past few months has been watching precious little Alivia grow. Few grandfathers have the opportunity to spend the first five months with a grandchild in their home. I’ve loved hearing her sounds, watching her grow and develop, holding her and taking her for walks and experiencing the huge blessing of seeing what a great dad my son Nathan is and what a great mom Amy is. I’ve loved watching how she looks at me when I’m giving her a bottle, how she takes my fingers, the new noises she makes, how she likes to munch on my fingers while she is teething, how much more she is smiling, how alert she is and all of the sounds she is aware of and how she smiles. Those are just a few of my favorite things. When all is said and done the most important thing in life is our family and I’ve been blessed beyond words to have been given the gift of having this part of my family not just close by but in the same house together. I Rarely Ask Why But At Times I Do Wonder As a young Christian I remember wondering if it was okay to question God. For some reason I’ve not felt the need to ask “why” but through this healing process I’ve realized that it’s more than okay or acceptable to wonder, to question, to struggle and even on rare occasions to doubt. When Mother Teresa died in Calcutta at the age of 87 her diaries were collected by authorities of the Roman Catholic Church and taken back to Rome. As they began to transcribe her diaries many were shocked when they read words that described some of her tremendous inner turmoil. This is from one who to the public always seemed so strong and confident of her faith. For example, in 1958 Mother Teresa wrote, “My smile is a great cloak that hides a multitude of pains . . . [People] think that my faith, my hope and my love are overflowing and that my intimacy with God and union with His will fills my heart. If only they knew.” In response to this and other entries in her diaries “Il Messeggero”, Rome’s popular daily newspaper noted, “The real Mother Teresa was one who for one year had visions and who for the next fifty had doubts—until her death.” About a year ago my good friend Dale Schlafer gave me a little book of Puritan prayers. The Valley of Vision has been such a blessing. Here are a few lines from one of the prayers:
Where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights. Let me learn that the valley is the place of vision. Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells, And the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine; Let me find thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty Thy glory in my valley.” Precious Memories of Matt About a month ago I received a precious note from one of Matt’s best friends when he was at Huntington College. It revealed a side of Matty that I knew but that many others didn’t know. The young man who wrote this will never know what this note meant to our family. For those of you who knew Matt you’ll find this especially meaningful:
I have been meaning to do this for a while now. I have been fairly busy but today I had an experience that made me think of Matt more than normal. Every day I think of Matt. Today was an exception. I am once again attending Huntington and am in a class that Matt and I were both in at one point. I have to take the class over again so that\'s why I\'m back in that frame of mind. Anyway, I was sitting outside like I did with matt only 4 years prior and when discussing what we were assigned to discuss by Steve and Twyla I thought back about how much fun we used to have (Matt and I) thinking analytically about everything, challenging the bible, and always coming to the same conclusion...God's love is irrational...and his passion unreasonable...I remember that we were both fans of Brennan Manning and that we both looked at life through these eyes that God put specifically in us...I write you this to not only encourage you but also to let you know this...I am taking 10 classes 5 through Huntington, 4 through IU online, and 1 through ivy-tech...I am working 40 plus hours a week at true value...I embarked on this journey after getting out of hell...the reason why I did not grow cold at the world for sending me to hell on earth is simply because of Matt...not that he died but that he understood me...no one that I know of can relate to me in as many ways as matt did. The realization that there's one out there that had understood my mind’s eye gives me great hope...God is the only one now that understands me...however, I started thinking when I heard that Matt died (which was about the time that I was released) that Matt being the only other one who thought like I did about what Jesus means (and how to explain to others our views would blow people out of the water!) that I must become more educated in what we both barely touched on and become better prepared to deliver this rad view to others so that they would be set free as matt and I were... I recently had the chance to hear a well-known speaker and let me tell you I was anticipating a great display of wit and representation of the God that Matt and I knew...however, he didn't talk at all about how simple God's love is...why is it that great philosophers miss this point? The Wisdom of the Cross...it blows my mind so much that I can't remember it all myself much of the time.... So this has become long winded...but I want you to know that I know no one that has meant more to me than Matt and I hope to show the world what we saw...every time I get down and exhausted I quickly am reminded that God is near and that Matt would have liked what I am aiming for and who knows when my time is gonna be up on earth... I will and always do miss Matt but he is an inspiration to me daily... I love you Gary and I thank you for your support in the past... Here is a part of what I wrote back to this young man:
died, yet I always think of who Matt really was underneath the intense and relentless spiritual warfare, the depression, the fear, the low self-esteem and the addictions. I think of his bright green eyes, his energy, his quick mind and his wonderful love for nature. I think of how he fought through so much and of all of the progress he had made. As you know, Matty loved the Lord, he loved life and he loved people. He was loyal to a fault. His sense of humor was amazing. His ability to think philosophically, theologically and psychologically was at times astonishing. So often when I think of him a smile comes to my face. Few people could make people laugh like Matty could. During the last few months of his life he was doing better than he had done in a long time. We spend many hours talking about C.S. Lewis, theology and what his options were after graduation. He was really excited about going into some form of ministry where he could share what he had learned from some of his mistakes to help people and make a difference in the lives of others. In fact, we had one of those conversations just a few days before he died. That was his heart.” When I went to clean out Matt's room after his death here is a prayer that he had taped to his bathroom mirror. He told me this is something that he started and ended every day with. Now I do the same . . . "Lord, I choose to give myself to You, whatever the cost may be. Take every aspect of my life and use me for Your Kingdom to glorify Your name. I'm not here on earth to do my own thing, or seek my own fulfillment or my own glory. I'm not here to indulge my desires, to increase my possessions, to impress people, to be popular, to prove I'm somebody important, or to promote myself. I'm not here to be relevant or successful by human standards. I'm here to please You. The desire of my heart is to discover what it means to delight in you. I want to have my heart captivated and my mind entranced by the superlative beauty and incomparable sweetness of who You are. I understand that delighting in You alone will dislodge sin from my heart. So help me to learn more fully how to enjoy You, love You, worship You, serve You and be exuberant in my love for you. I'll do anything that You want me to do, go anywhere that You want me to go and say anything that You want me to say. Father, there isn't any gift that You have for me that I don't want. If You want to use me in a way that I'm not used to, I yield myself to that. Today I re-dedicate myself to You. I love You, my God, and I choose to live and serve in Your way. I trust You, Lord, to do that which I cannot do myself. Teach me, guide me, and empower me and reveal yourself through me. In Jesus' Name, Amen Thanks & Praise
Prayer Requests
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| October 16, 2008 |
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