 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| June 26, 2005 |
Walking In My Humanity Thoughts on Chemo For those of you that have walked this route or with someone you will resonate! I had my second round of chemo last Friday the 17th and Saturday the 18th. My dear, oldest son Nathan went with me on Friday. It was a significant day because the last time I was in the office was for Gary's treatments two years ago. Didn't know if I would start blubbering, but being with Nathan was fun. He was positive, thought the chemo room was cheery and he thought my nurse was very professional and caring with me. It was the first time I had to have the port poked and I did okay. He cheered me on and then for two hours just chatted with me. Didn't leave my side until he figured we needed some crackers to eat. We ended our day by going to Taco Bell, his favorite. On the second day of chemo, two dear girlfriends went with me. This chemo takes longer. I am there about three hours. First thing that happened that was kind of funny is the nurse opened up the line and sort of let the Zovran run into me pretty quickly. This is an anti-nausea medication. I looked at Wendy and Nancy and asked them if I looked funny. They laughed and said no and then I said they looked really funny to me! I guess letting Zovran run too fast can loop some people up pretty good. I could barely focus on these two. I suppose it is something like having a few margaritas. That went away and then I got the real stuff. Oxaliplatin causes some unusual types of things for people. It gives you a sensitivity to cold so you can't drink icy drinks or touch ice cubes or frozen things without feeling like your throat is closing up or your fingers or going to fall off. That lasts about five days after. I, of course, forget all the time. It also gave me some pretty good flu-like symptoms, fever, sweating, chills and a little nausea. I was pretty wiped this week until Friday. That thing of just wanting to lay down. Then came the fun part. I was doing my hair on Saturday for church and had to pull out the trash can to keep throwing away my hair that was coming out in the brush. They said my hair would only thin. Now, I would kind of like to know of what their definition of "thin" is! It is Sunday I still have some hair! I did not feel real great this week but what I know is that the chemo was working it's deal in my body and I know that is what I am praying for and many of you. I take comfort in that. I saw my oncologist on Friday. Even though many of my counts are down he felt they would not go any lower. Gary decided to get bronchitis this week and Matt got strep my white count is 2.2 and I am still going. My doctor told me to go get in that lake and have a great time! ( We were on our way to the lake for the afternoon.) Thoughts on Emotions I had a few of those this week. I cried a lot. Gary would ask me what that was about and it was hard to put into words until I read in Henri Nouwen this morning. I am not really crying out of loss or fear although sometimes it feels a little like that, but Henri writes in his chapter on suffering "that the tears of grief and the tears of joy shouldn't be too far apart". I had so many precious moments this week and precious moments bring on the tears. Sometimes when you are loving something so much (hence the joy) there is a grief that it can't simply last for ever and there is an awareness of a finality to it all. Thoughts on Friends Not enough space for this one. This week was power-packed with the love of friends. Friends who have herbal tea with you and pray, friends that send the most incredible words of encouragement via email and cards, friends who come to stay for a week and do all the things that you have been hoping to do for years and she gets them done in a week and has time to love on you too, friends who take you boating. Boating is one of my greatest loves, rates right up there with riding horses. I love my slalom ski. I have had it since I was 15. I have a dear friend that shares my love of getting up on that ski and she took me Friday. I popped right of the water and went as long as I thought my body should which means I cut it short even though I wanted to keep going. I sang and let the wind blow in my face and enjoyed every single moment and of coarse cried. It was a wonderful day. Friends who write your name on their bathroom mirror in red lipstick to pray for you each day! Friend who tell you that you look pretty even though you know you look like you just walk out of the concentration camp, and the list goes on. I will never ever question being loved and I will have learned from each one of you how to love better. Walking and Hearing From God Scripture is near and dear to my heart write now and I am finding that to be one of the most impacting avenues of walking this journey and hearing from my Savior. I am also reading "Hear and Now" again by Nouwen. He begins his book by talking about what it means to walk in the present and let me assure you that is the only way to exist. We were created to live in the present. He says, "We must learn to live each day, each hour, yes, each minute as a new beginning, as a unique opportunity to make everything new. "To live in the present, we must believe deeply that what is most important is the here and the now. We are constantly distracted by things that have happened in the past or that might happen in the future. Listen to this, "Prayer is the discipline of the moment." To pray is to listen attentively to the One who addresses us here and how. When we dare to trust that we are never alone but that God is always with us, always cares for us, and always speaks to us, then we can gradually detach ourselves from the voices that make us guilty or anxious and thus allow ourselves to dwell in the present moment. I also heard a great quote in church on Saturday night, "Fear is unbelief on caffeine! If I am living in the present it is hard for that fear to kick in. I heard several wonderful stories of people surviving hard cancers this week and I heard some stories of people that have not survived. What do you do with all of this? You walk the moment, you hug harder than you usually do, you look into the eyes of people where ever you go and you ask God to make you present to them. You trust. One of the hardest endeavored of humankind is to trust. To really trust that God is at work in my life in the way that he so chooses, in this here and for now. Prayer and Praises
Requests
|
|