| I thought much about “reality” this week. You see, at heart I am a contemplative. That is a very fancy way of saying I think a lot. Sometimes thinking is helpful and sometimes it isn’t because contemplatives have a tendency to go down funky roads of depression and then they have to get back on the right path again. When things are not “normal” feeling in life one can question “reality." Sometimes real is good and sometimes real does not feel good. In the children’s book “The Velveteen Rabbit” the bunny goes through hardships, and rejection and bumps and scrapes in order to become real. The Velveteen Rabbit is not your “normal” stuffed animal. My reality is what I am living and who the heck knows what normal is. I know I can’t think about it long, or entertain the thoughts that everyone else has normal and what I have is reality. This past Friday after 3 counseling sessions I was scheduled to run up to Highlands Oncology in Rogers for a blood draw to check my levels before leaving for Florida and the wedding. I never go to this clinic. I always go to Fayetteville as it is closer to Siloam. The Fayetteville clinic is where all of my blood work is done and my treatments take place, but because I was already at the church seeing clients I was closer to Rogers. I had about a 45 minute slot before I had to be back in Siloam Springs. I walked in, sat down, and then was called to get the draw. I came back out to wait for the results. A beautiful young woman spoke to me and said, "You are the one with the website." I said, "Yes! How did you know?" and she explained her connection. I knew of her cancer and her battle of it coming back. I looked at her with tears in my eyes and told her to hang on, and to believe, and she said some precious things to me and we hugged. I left wondering what God was up to as He so evidently had us meet. I don’t exactly know that answer but I know it was "real." I am praying for you Sonia. I came home from church tonight. It was more than fabulous and I am thankful I felt well enough to go. (It was fun waking this morning knowing from the very first moments of opening my eyes that I was going to feel better today.) It was pure joy hearing the book of James expressed from memorization. The scripture washed over my soul and nurtured my heart. I love my church and I am glad I can take my Velveteen Rabbit self there for love and encouragement. It is good reality. Tomorrow we climb into our car to drive to Florida (staying very clear of the Panhandle) for our son's wedding. WE ARE EXCITED. I won’t write for a couple of weeks as we do some vacationing there as well. Again, I thank each and everyone of you for your prayers for health in order to make this trip. I know it will be a gift in my summer reality.
|
This Journal entry is dedicated to Catherine Arnsperger, Nancy Hardin, and Sonia Guillory. These are 3 courageous women who have and are fighting battles of loss, sadness and living each day trying to discern reality. Reality |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| July 9, 2005 |
| I dropped a dear friend of mine off at the airport this week. I watched her beautiful smiling face, her spring in her step. I thought of her life she was going to, a loving husband, and daughter soon to be married, her life is very different from mine right now. I thought about how healthy she looked and how fun it was to have her visit for one precious day. I knew that she was real and our time was real. I then began to drive down the road to home and noticed and enjoyed the sunny day, and the green fields and trees and I knew that the day was “real." I then let my thoughts turn for moments to “me” and my cancer and then things began to feel “unreal.” Loss, death, hurts, illness are all examples of what causes us to question reality and we long for something that feels normal and known and good. The tears began to drip down my cheeks. I know that the Velveteen Rabbit had his moments, too, on his way to real. I picked that book back up and for now he is my hero. He didn’t give up. He wanted to be real more than normal and he fought to be so. |
|