In the day of my trouble I will call upon You, for You will answer me. Psalm 86:7
It is the very wee hours of the morning. I woke up at 3:30 and decided to get up at 4:00. I laid there and
thought this through. I have been very fatigued due to the chemo especially as the day goes on. I am
going to be tired anyway so why not get up while I am excited about eating honeycombs (these are not a
cancer killing food item but I have all day to drink carrot juice and eat broccoli) and accomplish
During our married life my getting up early has been my husband’s favorite thing about me (not)!
Actually we are a typical couple with opposite sleep schedules. He prefers to go to bed at 12:00 and I
prefer to go to bed at 9:00 and get up very early. Neither one of us likes the alone time hours we spend
in bed in between away from each other so we have learned to compromise bed time except on
occasion like this morning. I figure when I am not there that is prime time for him to role onto his right
side and snore as much as he wants since I don’t let him do that when I am next to him!
I have been thinking about what I want to write about in this journal entry update. Chemo was better this
time than last but I generally feel pretty wiped out and am wanting to stretch out on my couch more and
more. I think I need to some couch pullers in my life! That could be a new ministry. Pulling the cancer
patient off the couch and keeping then going and involved.!
AACC was absolutely incredible in terms of time spent with friends there, the speaking both with Gary
on Thursday and Erin Smalley on Friday and just generally fun! I enjoyed attending workshops and
enjoyed good health. My prayer was answered for good health and just at the most crucial time. I
arrived on Wednesday evening. Gary greeted me outside the Opryland Hotel as the shuttle dropped me
off. It was sooo good to see him. We ate dinner together and he went on to the plenary session while I
headed to the room to unpack, get those jammies on and make my 9:00 bedtime! I also had a few
notes to look at for our 8:45 session in the morning. Just like each week, I suddenly felt better sitting on
my bed! It is such an incredible blessing. I had energy and knew that I had made my turn-around for
the week and just in time!
I will never forget this conference, the people in our life, that we ate lunch and dinner with and ran into,
that are so committed to pray for us and for me from around the country. I was completely overwhelmed
with God’s love, comfort and by people’s prayers. Prayer: it is a phenomenal experience, gift,
command, privilege, etc. This prayer pager I wear gives me hope, a sense that I am loved and I am
greatly encouraged that people are talking to Jesus. That is what it is ultimately about, a conversation
with God and a belief that he hears us. So simple yet so powerful.
I know some of what people pray for me for as they share with me but not all. I know that when we pray
it takes faith to believe that God hears and the whole prayer for the healing thing can be a tough prayer
to pray and keep praying and have faith that God will answer with what we are asking for. There, I have
now said it! It is out on the table.
I go back to MD Anderson in 2 weeks, on the 24th for tests and the 25th to see the Doctor. I have no
idea what is going on inside of me regarding the tumor and cancer cells. I have had many emails,
some talking about lost loved ones to cancer and some with incredible stories concerning pancreatic
cancer. One just recently that had a tumor similar to mine that they decided to operate on even though it
involved the artery. Two surgeons at MD took on this operation with success. That’s quite a story.
As I continue this journey I still have to keep my heart and my eyes focused on God’s love for me, his
care for me, and his sovereignty, but I have learned some things from scripture. I have learned that I
can really bother Him with my pleas and I can tell Him of my desires and that I can “cry out to Him”, wail
if I want to. I can claim scriptures such as these:
down into the grave? Can my dust praise you from the grave? Can it tell the world of your
faithfulness: Hear me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Help me, “O Lord”. Psalm 30:8—10
I have prayed that I would be “unlike” the man at the pool that “argues” with Jesus about getting
up and walking and being healed. If Jesus says to me, “Stand up, and pick up your mat, and
walk and be healed,” (John 5:8) there will be no arguing from this girl. I will carry my mat with
me for the rest of my life.
You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I anointed you to go and produce fruit that will last, so that
the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. John 15:16
Hear my prayer, O Lord, And let my cry come to you. Do not hide Your face from me in the day
of my trouble; Incline Your ear to me; In the day that I call, answer me speedily. Psalm 102:1-2
Come with great power O God and rescue me. Defend me with your might. O God listen to my
prayer, pay attention to my plea. Psalm 54:1
But God is my helper. The Lord is the one who keeps me alive! Psalm 54:4
These are but some of the prayers and scriptures I pray and focus my heart upon as well as prayers of
thanksgiving for who the Lord is my life and how he remains at work to mold me, to change me and to
use me until my last breath whenever that will be. Until that time whether it is soon, or in many years, I
thank you for your prayers. I have been wearing my prayer pager this very early morning and
somewhere in this world I am being paged and prayed for as I begin my day and that in itself is a
miracle that only one who walks with Christ can know.
Love to all of you.
|October 12, 2005