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| June 14, 2005 |
| My Journal of Hope is dedicated to my Lord Jesus Christ who bends down and listens to me. (For the very first entry from May, 2005, please click on Pancreatic Cancer.) During those first few hours of terrifying fear while we were in Kansas City, I could not sleep and would wake Gary and touch him often and awaken early in the morning. Thoughts of what will happen to my kids, how can I go to my son's wedding, what about those grandbabies, who the heck will take care of Allie since she only likes me. The poor cat will die of a heart attack. All those really hard thoughts that we humans think when we are scared, when our life has changed, when there seems like there is no where to go. On the second early morning, (about 4:30 AM) my Psalm for the day was Psalm 91. God began to show me that there are no dangers during the day or terrors by night that He cannot protect me from. This was going to be a whole new faith walk. God so clearly had been working right up to this point. There was not one thing that I could have done differently to find out this diagnosis any earlier. My sovereign Lord has allowed this and He has also been at work manifesting himself to me in blessing, in His presence, in His working out of fine details and in people's love for me and most importantly that God is still using me. I have a purpose everyday that I awaken for every moment that I am still on this earth. I knew I needed to journal this every step of the way so thus I began my journal of hope by writing Psalm 91 from the "New Living Testament" and have written everyday of God's treasures for me and gifts and blessings and the peace he has given me that have protected me from the dangers of the day and the terrors of the night. I write what people say to me, people's prayers, particular songs of praise, when I have made a memory I don't want to forget, scriptures. Someone gave us a little ringlet of scriptures of healing. They are recorded in my journal. Recently I was given one of Beth Moore's bible study teachings and here we go, it is on Job. I am so deeply, profoundly blessed by this teaching. It gets journaled. Beth says that if we cling to the harbor our purpose will never be fulfilled. I think harbors are nice don't you? You can sit and eat at a nice restaurant, enjoying viewing ships, watch sunsets,etc! But God does not allow harbor clinging. We as humans want to protect and manage our pain when God is the only one that can deal with our pain. I believe that more that ever in my life. I am giving him my pain, my sorrow, my grief, my hopes my dreams and my heart. He has given me his mercy, his grace, his love and peace, for this I would not trade sitting in the harbor as opposed to jumping into the ocean. Prayer requests:
I love you all and am overwhelmed by your love for me! |
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